Today started week 2 for me in the Couch to 5k (C25k) program. Physically it wasn't a hard day, but psychologically it had a moment of dispair. Well, maybe not dispair - but there was a moment between minutes 10-12 that I just wanted to stop.
The thing is - it wasn't anything physical that was making me consider just stopping. It was purely about control. Which part of me - the athlete or the couch potato - was in control? It was like a two-year-old rebelling about not wearing shoes. Like a teenager who thinks her friends are right and there is no way her parents can understand. But today - Today I told those children to stop being so simple minded. To focus on the long-term goal. To do what was best - for her - for today - for the future. Today - the athlete won.
The thing I am realizing is that I am a person who has thrived in chaos - or so I want myself to believe. It is more that I survived chaos. It was the careers I held that were chaos. In reality, I didn't thrive in them - I was just one of the best survivors. I can handle chaos.
BUT - If I really look at my successes, really look at them. I find that the best, the sweetest, the most rewarding successes came when I had a routine. A set routine. A compartmentalized day. Time for me; time for my body/workout; time to work; time to read/study; time to socialize; time to rest. Do not get me wrong. It wasn't that I did exactly the same thing everyday at the exact same time. But there were sections of my day that were set. Rarely did I alter them. If I did it was for something important - a marriage or some other life moments. If I altered them - I already had a plan for when I was making the time up or how I was working around the change.
When I had kids - I just seemed to let all of that go. 'Good graciousness - don't be that micro-managing mom. The ones you see on TV and say she is off her rocker...' that was my thought process. What that translated to in my reality was - You don't have to do anything. Do what you want, when you want, as long as it is good for the kids.
That hasn't been a horrible mindset, but it hasn't made me happy. So, I am going back to a bit of a daily schedule. I told my kids about it today. They are on board. I think this will be better for us in the long-run as well. My kids should see this side of me. They need to see this side of me so they can better understand my previous successes. More than that - they need to see that there are different things that work at different times. They can always apply that to their education, social life, careers, etc.
But this isn't particularly about them. It is just easier to say that I am doing it for the kids, than to admit that this is something I need and want. Because *that is so selfish for a mother to do. Right??
Today I ran.
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